I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas! Now that the last gift has been unwrapped and the glitter has been swept off the floor, I find my mind beginning to reflect on 2015.
I parted ways with from someone who was there for me during an extremely difficult time. He was a good man. Sadly, I knew he wasn't the 'one.' He was a caretaker, I like to be taken care of, but determined not to fall back into my old patterns. I knew I had to cut ties to prove to myself I could make it on my own. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to grow the way I needed to grow if I were in a relationship.
The writing class I had signed up for started.
This month is kinda a a blur. What comes to mind is bad snowstorms and a 4 hour commute into the city which without snow or traffic should only take 45 mins. Work. Snow. Commute. Repeat.
After crossing Boston Common in the middle of a blizzard to get to my Thursday writing class, I decided I didn't like group writing activities. There is always one who thinks they know more than the teacher and has too much to say. I decided as much as I like writing, I would never participate in another group setting again.
Tried dating. Didn't work out. We were too different. He was too passive. Conversation was dull. Decided I'm embracing my Spinsterhood. Broke up. I realized that I had no time or energy to date.
April, May, June...
Warmer weather? I'm drawing a blank. This is probably when I noticed I continually put the peanut butter in the fridge. Early dementia? You saw Ask Alice... Perhaps, I need to follow the new study and drink more Champagne...
Went to Provincetown with the family and had all kinds of wacky fun. On a boat, as the wind whipped my hair and we bounced over the waves, my eyes swelled up with tears. They began flooding out, unstoppable. I had purposely left my iPhone back at the house so I could be 'in the moment.' In that 'moment' I had realized how grateful I was. I had struggled and went through so many challenges over the last couple of years. I had found my way back to happiness.
As the boat came to a stop someone noticed my tears.
"What's the matter?"
"I am just so grateful," I sobbed. Everyone watered up and we exchanged hugs. Insert: Hallmark moment.
This is where I remember the Law of Attraction coming into play. My lease was about to be up and I was absolutely miserable where I was living. I kept putting it out to the universe that I just wanted to rent a little cottage or bungalow. You see, I am in a very suburban area and there are hardly any rentals. It was looking really doubtful that I was going to find anything decent that I could afford.
Out of the blue I got an email in the knick of time from friends whose perfect little carriage house was available. If you think for a second that the power of positive thinking and believing doesn't work, than try again. Someone up there has my back. I love this house and I love my friends for being so good to me and my children.
My friend and I started hiking. I have a love/hate relationship with hiking. I love reaching the top and feeling a sense of accomplishment, enjoying a sandwich and spectacular views. I hate when the hike kills my jaws and under my chin as I'm going up, I hate how my nose runs and my body gets tired.
During one particular hike I couldn't keep up. I threw myself across a rock like a dead person and declared I was done, (think Scarlett O'Hara). I told my friend to go up ahead. I took my time and never made it to the top but I kept climbing. I didn't quit which has pretty much been my motto for 2015.
I realized I was outgrowing my job. Since I've decided to continue to grow and learn I know that the minute I feel stagnant it is time to make a change. I started looking for new opportunities. New opportunities aren't easy but they help us to grow as a person and learn more about ourselves and the world.
Took a line dancing class. It was fun but I don't remember a damn thing.
Thanksgiving. My daughter went to her boyfriend's family home. It was the first Thanksgiving without her. When she asked if it were okay I wasn't surprised because I knew it was coming. I didn't play the role of jewish mother guilting her kid. I was the polish-swedish mother who knows it's important not to clip her wings and to let her be happy. Kids grow up. They are not responsible for our happiness. Only I am responsible for my happiness. Another lesson learned.
Started a new job during busy season. Walked smack into the chaos.
Lots of events and parties. I learned that I can walk into a Gala or a party full of strangers all alone, not knowing a soul and have the most fun out of anyone there. Now that is a lesson well learned.
I also realized I may be ready to date if the right person asked me out. Nothing serious, not yet anyway... just the thought of it has be running for the hills. I just am afraid to A) to depend on anyone and B) get my heart broken. So, maybe that will never go away, and maybe I'll meet the right person when it's the right time and I won't hold those fears.
Summary of Lessons Learned
1. No one is responsible for our happiness but ourselves.
2. I am capable of taking care of myself and my children on my own.
3. Friends come in all ages, shapes and sizes. Sometimes the most unlikely friendships are the relationships you learn the most from.
4. We have to let our kids go a bit. They are never really gone but it is important that they have freedom to lead their own lives, learn from their own mistakes and that we are always their soft spot to fall.
5. Forgiveness is a choice. You choose it, even when you still feel angry. Eventually the anger dissipates more and more. Sometimes you have to stay away from certain people in order to forgive.
6. Life is as fun as you make it. Surround yourself with others who want to have fun. Say yes to everything,... within reason.
7. Whenever there is a party - never sit on the sidelines - be the last one dancing. NO ONE IS WATCHING YOU AND IF THEY ARE THEY ARE WISHING THEY WERE HAVING AS MUCH FUN.
What are some of the important lessons you learned in 2015? Do you feel as if you had personal growth? If so how?
Sending light and love - Deb xoxo